Tales of the Parodyverse

Post By

killer shrike at work
Fri Dec 17, 2004 at 02:13:30 pm EST
Subject
Hatman/Alcheman #4
[ New ] [ Email ] [ Print ] [ RSS ] [ Tales of the Parodyverse ]
Next In Thread >>

Hatman/Alcheman #5


Dairy of a Mad Alien Warlord


With Thanks to Lee, Kirby, Thomas, Adams, and Byrne


Umpteen years ago:

"There," Wee Writchards put his HypnoKaleidoScopic Projector away in his blazer pocket, "As I surmised, based on the aliens' physiology, in particular their sloping craniums and dilated pupils, they are susceptible to hypnosis. From there it was a simple matter to-"

"Nothin's ever simple when your involved, Beanpole," "Brick" Laird grunted, "But we getcha. Ya jerry rigged that framistat there to put the whammy on these slimoids, denyin' me the pleasure of whompin' them."

Franky Frost landed next to his misanthropic team mate, "AW, quit your griping, Gravel Puss. You're just upset that Weed knocked out the only guys in the Parodyverse you had a chance at beating in a beauty contest!"

"Shaddap, kid, 'fore I busts ya inta cubes!!"

"Brick, Franky, stop arguing," Kate Frost phased between the two, "Weed's still explaining his master plan."

"Thank you, Kate. Now, as I was saying, with the Skunk invasion force subdued, we now can formulate a strategy to make sure they never again menace the planet," the scientist once again withdrew the Projector and turned it on the mesmerized Skunks, "I will plant a post-hypnotic suggestion, compelling the aliens to assume a form and demeanor more suitably docile."

"Cows?" Brick said incredulously once his former college chum was finished, "Ya got a wacky sense of humor there, Weed."

"The bovine is an especially harmless and content creature. The Skunks will live out their lives in blissful ignorance," Writchards concluded sagely.

If only.....

*****


Now:

Imperator P'rawn was a happy despot.

At his mercy was one of the leaders of the Lair Legion, a strike force of meta-terrans that had denied him victory in the Transworld Challenge. With P'rawn stood his personal guard of zhorza-rank metamorphs, the greatest, most skilled shapechangers in the Skunk Empire.

As if that was not enough an advantage, his arrival on Earth had led to the discovery of the fate of the long lost invasion fleet of Imperator G'ko, his predecessor.

The humans had transformed the pride of the Skunk Fleet into milk-bearing organisms, a fate worse than death in P'rawn's mind.

But the cursed Skunks had done their race proud, passing on their hatred and genes via their byproducts, creating a race of human/Skunk hybrids, who instinctively united into a force dedicated to stamping out the consumption of ... said byproducts.

Simple exposure to a Skunk Evolutionizer Ray gave back these deluded agents of Lactose Intolerant their birthright, and gave P'rawn even more foot soldiers for his cause. Now, he was ready to take his revenge on the humans. The pink skins would learn the truth behind the old Skunk adage "Payback was a Yaknaager."

*****


For the first time ever Michael regretted having his alchemal tattoos.

If he hadn;t chose to get them, then he wouldn't have had the opportunity to become a superhero.

If he hadn't become a superhero, his family would never had learned his secret.

If they had never learned his secret then his sisters, Jenni and Trudi, would not have decided to attempt to join the superhero social circle.

If the twins had no desire to become part of the meta celebrity scene, they wouldn't have come here, to a lecture given by the Lair Legionnaire known as Hatman.

And if they weren't here, Jenni wouldn't be dangling in the grip of an enormous, slavering alien warlord.

Michael looked over at the aforementioned Hatman. The Capped Crusader's eyes darted from Skunk to Skunk, attempting to gauge the best way to respond to the threat. He glanced over to the neophyte hero, who whispered a query.

"Do Skunks breathe?"

Jay Boaz nodded. Alcheman nodded back, and said, "Stall."

He tapped the symbols for nitrogen and oxygen on his bicep, and disappeared.

*****


"Where did he go?" P'rawn demanded.

"Your guess is as good as mine," Hatman shrugged, "Maybe he chickened out."

"Explain 'chicken out'."

"He bolted. Ran for the hills. Got out while the getting was good."

"He fled?" the Imperator's eyes narrowed, "I don't think so."

"That human is a metamorph, my lord!" one of P'rawn's bodyguards squealed.

Alcehman willed his morphed molecules across the auditorium. He wafted close to the Skunk leader's face, which was reddening with rage. The hero realized time was almost up. He concentrated, and took the unpleasant journey into P'rawn's nostrils.

"Show yourself!!" P'rawn commanded to the human that was billowing down his esophagus, "Show yourself now, or by Coonznal I will... will... whoah," the Skunk wobbled, "Head rush. Let's, ah, heh heh heh. Whoo!" he began clawing the side of his face, "Anybody else hot in here?"

Alcheman used vaporous fingers to press the symbol for lead. He assumed a metallic form, with one arm still rammed down P'rawn's throat. With his free hand the Chemical Crimefighter forced the Skunk to release his sister.

"Michael, no!" Jenni objected over the sounds of the Imperator gagging. She whispered to her brother, "Let Hatman save me!"

Michael Wooster sighed and scooped up his sister and quickly strode for cover.

"Ewww!!! Monster juice!" was how young Jenni described the ropy drool that was coated all the way up Alcheman's forearm, "Please don't get any on my robe."

"All right!! That's it! No more games! No more hostages!! Just blood and death!!" the Imperator of the Skunk Empire grew himself enough limbs, spines, mouths, and horns to be his own one-alien organic Killing Floor, "Kill the humans! Kill them all!!!"

To be continued.








204.196.109.240 (204.196.109.240) IP Address
Microsoft Internet Explorer 5/Windows 98 (1 points)
[ New ] [ Email ] [ Print ] [ RSS ] [ Tales of the Parodyverse ]
Follow-Ups:

Echo™ v2.4 © 2003-2005 Powermad Software
Copyright © 2004-2005 by Mangacool Adventure